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[midnightroads]

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Please see Opt-In, as contacting Bash may interact with his Scion abilities.

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[midnightroads]

"I didn't die again." He doesn't move away, but he kinda dead-fishes in the hug, his voice cracking like poorly mixed glaze over a ceramic mug.

[cacophonish]

The way he looks, the way he sounds, the flat, dead eyes, and the unkempt state of him... Jeff's heart twists in his chest, and fuck, he's scared.

Something broke Bash. His darling's in pieces, and he has no idea why, or what he can do to fix him, if he's even strong enough or capable enough to put him back together. Bash is worth so much more than Jeff can offer, but he has to try.

"But what..." What happened, he almost asks, before he trails off, realizes that question might not be what Bash needs right now. "Let's, um... Let's go inside. I can brush your hair."

[midnightroads]

"You shouldn't...you don't need to serve me, here. You don't need to stick by me here. You oughta be. Finding yourself instead of doing more of what Dupe made us. I don't want to be a part of hurting you more, by making you care about me."

He shrinks back into himself, grimacing, utterly refusing to make eye contact.

[cacophonish]

That stings a little bit, and Jeff tries not to let that show in his face, though he does flinch. Does he seriously think Jeff's feeling forced into caring for him?

"You're not making me do anything." Jeff swallows. Where is this coming from? Did he have a bad night? Did that anxiety at the party finally spill over into this? "You've picked me up and put me back together so many times. I just want... Let me do the same for you."

[midnightroads]

"I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you." He curls like a cooked shrimp, starting to cry, though he feels like a washcloth with all the water wrung out. He doesn't have the energy or tears left in him, but he also can't hold it back.

[cacophonish]

"What?" This doesn't make any sense. If anything, Jeff doesn't deserve Bash, but... Weren't things good just a few days ago? Now here he is, utterly broken to pieces. The best person Jeff knows, drowning in guilt and self loathing.

It hurts. He reaches for Bash, trying to just wrap him in an embrace, to give him something to lean against so he doesn't have to keep shrinking under the weight of his misery.

"Babe... What happened? Please, let's just go inside and-- and we don't even talk about anything, okay? Just let me be here with you."

[midnightroads]

He can't even bring himself to fight. Maybe he is just that bad, that he can't turn down the warmth on offer. The love he can't possibly ever deserve. Valdis had said "That kind of devotion...it isn't real. It's taught. It's a helplessness and a fear seeking to shelter in something powerful because that's the only thing they know." And here he is, receiving that devotion again, and he can't say no to it.

He lets Jeff maneuver him inside, to the bed, shaking, quivering. And as much as that's tears, it's also weakness from who-knows-how-long without eating or drinking. He's cold to the touch, weak, worn through.

[cacophonish]

Bash feels so fragile, like he's made out of paper, and Jeff is convinced that one wrong move will just tear a piece of him off. He helps Bash to the bed, gets him sitting down, and... almost kneels in front of him so he can get a good look at his face, but. No, this is about Duplicity in some way, so he needs to be careful not to do anything that'll trigger more memories and associations.

So he stands in front of Bash instead, and he cups the other man's chin and tilts his face up, so he can see the damage. Sallow skin, parched lips... It's a look he recognizes well, from... well, himself. Jeff cups his cheek and leans down to kiss his forehead.

"I'll be right back."

Water. He needs to get him a glass of water, before anything else, and grab a brush to get the tangles out of his hair. After that, maybe he can coax Bash into the shower and get some food in him.

"Here... Think you can drink this?"

[midnightroads]

He doesn't have the energy to fight back, holding the cup in both hands and taking a small sip. It feels good, the water. After that first sip, he just...gulps down the rest of it desperately. He can't remember the last time water tasted so good.

"I'm sorry." The words are quiet, and he's not even entirely sure what he's trying to apologize for right now.

[cacophonish]

It's some small relief, at least, that Bash accepts the water, and he isn't so far gone that he'd outright refuse this tiny act of self care. Jeff sits beside him, and he begins to take the brush to the other man's hair, slowly, gently...

"Remember that talk we had, a while back?" In that place. "When you were feeling... you know, trapped and, um, overwhelmed by everything..." Part of which was his perceived responsibilities towards Jeff, and god, he hopes that's not the case here. Jeff takes a breath. "You're a person. You're allowed to crumble sometimes."

[midnightroads]

"Mm." There's a part of him that wants to fold into the gentle touch as Jeff takes on his hair (which is an interesting mess, curly and thick and tangly--proof of the work he puts into making it look tame every day), but he resists the temptation, concentrating on the water instead.

"Do you think you'd still have loved me, if we met on some version of Earth? Honest answer, not sappy reassurances."

[cacophonish]

Okay, this is hard, and he's practically having to work at it, like, an inch at a time. But damn it, Jeff is going to stick with it, until he can get the tangles out.

"I--" He hesitates, hurt at the notion that he'd just give some sappy reassurance. Does he really come across as that insincere?

(It's Bash's own hurt talking, right? He can't make this about himself, so just. Just swallow it back, Jeff.)

"I never... stayed still with anyone long enough to really let love sink in. I don't even know if you'd love me," he admits, soft and wounded and trying not to let that show. "I think I'd still love you, though."

[midnightroads]

"I wasn't really allowed to love anyone, once I met my father. No one who wasn't a demigod especially. I just...how much of all we have, all we built is because of what we was made to do and be? I was your Dominant. I'm never going to have not been your Dominant. This. It can't be healthy because of that. Right?"

His voice shakes. His body shakes. His world shakes.

[cacophonish]

"Why does..." He pauses in his brushing to rub at his eyes. They sting, prickling with tears over... fuck, all of this. Bash trembling, Bash hurting, Bash questioning that they even have anything at all. "Yeah, you were my Dom, but... so what? Why can't something real and-- and good come from that?"

[midnightroads]

"Because it was a system designed to hurt you and make you cling to me and it wasn't really your choice." Nevermind Jeff choosing to contract with Bash, to renew with him each time. Something's wrapped itself around the base of Bash's brain and told him that Jeff is a victim and he's an abuser.

[cacophonish]

Why's he saying this? Why now? Jeff turns the brush over in his hands, nervous, fidgety, dreading the answers to his next questions. His voice is small as he asks, "Do you really think I'm just clinging to you? Like I can't-- Like I haven't been making my own choices?"

He almost asks if Bash even wants him around. Like maybe he's just sick of Jeff, and he's looking for a way out, but... No, he wouldn't look so defeated and destroyed right now if that was it. He wouldn't have starved himself, denied himself water and a fucking shower if this was as simple as all that.

[midnightroads]

"You're trying not to let me see how much you're struggling, a lot of the time. Which is kind."

Bash finishes the glass of water and stares at it.

"Part of me wants to go get drunk right now. Like, that has to feel better than this does."

cw drugs

[cacophonish]

"That's not an answer..." Or maybe it is an answer, an indirect confirmation that yes, he thinks Jeff's just clinging to him, broken and incapable of making any decisions.

He's trying not to cry. It's not about you, it's not about you, it's not about you, he tells himself, but it's sure starting to sound like this is about him. Like, somewhere along the way, Bash realized that their relationship has been some slow poison, and this is the result of that epiphany.

"It won't feel better," he says dully, even though he wants to drink now, too. (No, he doesn't want a drink. He wants other things, the things he wrapped himself in back home, that made him electric and alive and put him on a frequency where he could practically see magic. Things that are all but inaccessible here, and so he has to cope with the fucking tedium of booze--) "You'll still feel like this, only you'll hate yourself even more."

He takes a shaky breath. He can't look at Bash. He came here to try to help him, and he's so fucking incapable, he can't even brush the guy's hair. Fucking useless.

"Do you really think that... nothing we have is real?"

[midnightroads]

"I think...I'm scared. That you deserve something that's not tainted. That you could be free-er without me. I love you so much. I'd do anything for your happiness. Anything at all. You are the brightest light in my life, and I don't know what else to do."

He reaches out blindly, seeks Jeff's hand and squeezes it.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything."

[cacophonish]

"But... I don't see what we have as tainted." He reaches for Bash's hand, and there's some comfort when he finds the other man doing the same.

This isn't broken, right? They're still...

"I love you. I don't want something without--" His voice cracks, and he has to stop and take a moment to breathe, and keep his emotions from spilling out.

"I don't understand," he sniffs. "Why?"

Why the fear, why the apology? Is he apologizing for Duplicity, or... for however this already painful conversation's going to go?

[midnightroads]

Bash doesn't have words right away, his hand curling into Jeff's, eyes closing.

"I love you, too. I love you and I love you and I love you."

He just...isn't sure that's enough. How can just that be enough?

[cacophonish]

Then why does it sound like he's giving up on what they have? Jeff rubs his eyes, and he tries to pull Bash into a hug, if he'll allow it, so he can press his face against the other man's shoulder and breathe him in, even if he smells stale from being holed up in here for days.

"I never loved anyone like I love you. We-- we love each other. So why isn't that enough? What changed?"

[midnightroads]

The scent of tobacco and coffee lingers under the funk. It's as much a part of him as his freckles.

"Someone said some things, made me realize I ain't done right by you. Or anyone, at all."

[cacophonish]

"Fuck them. Whatever they said, it's bullshit. You're the kindest person, and... and you make me want to be better, and-- I've never regretted even a second with you."

Jeff doesn't know who spoke to Bash or what they said, but there's anger twisting around in his gut now. Fierce, protective, and totally foreign to him.

[midnightroads]

Bash ducks his head, silent now. Trying to soak this in, trying to believe in his own kindness again. Struggling.

(Part of that is the fog of can't-think-straight from not eating, that really doesn't help. But not all of it.)