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[midnightroads]

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Please see Opt-In, as contacting Bash may interact with his Scion abilities.

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[midnightroads]

"Because it was a system designed to hurt you and make you cling to me and it wasn't really your choice." Nevermind Jeff choosing to contract with Bash, to renew with him each time. Something's wrapped itself around the base of Bash's brain and told him that Jeff is a victim and he's an abuser.

[cacophonish]

Why's he saying this? Why now? Jeff turns the brush over in his hands, nervous, fidgety, dreading the answers to his next questions. His voice is small as he asks, "Do you really think I'm just clinging to you? Like I can't-- Like I haven't been making my own choices?"

He almost asks if Bash even wants him around. Like maybe he's just sick of Jeff, and he's looking for a way out, but... No, he wouldn't look so defeated and destroyed right now if that was it. He wouldn't have starved himself, denied himself water and a fucking shower if this was as simple as all that.

[midnightroads]

"You're trying not to let me see how much you're struggling, a lot of the time. Which is kind."

Bash finishes the glass of water and stares at it.

"Part of me wants to go get drunk right now. Like, that has to feel better than this does."

cw drugs

[cacophonish]

"That's not an answer..." Or maybe it is an answer, an indirect confirmation that yes, he thinks Jeff's just clinging to him, broken and incapable of making any decisions.

He's trying not to cry. It's not about you, it's not about you, it's not about you, he tells himself, but it's sure starting to sound like this is about him. Like, somewhere along the way, Bash realized that their relationship has been some slow poison, and this is the result of that epiphany.

"It won't feel better," he says dully, even though he wants to drink now, too. (No, he doesn't want a drink. He wants other things, the things he wrapped himself in back home, that made him electric and alive and put him on a frequency where he could practically see magic. Things that are all but inaccessible here, and so he has to cope with the fucking tedium of booze--) "You'll still feel like this, only you'll hate yourself even more."

He takes a shaky breath. He can't look at Bash. He came here to try to help him, and he's so fucking incapable, he can't even brush the guy's hair. Fucking useless.

"Do you really think that... nothing we have is real?"

[midnightroads]

"I think...I'm scared. That you deserve something that's not tainted. That you could be free-er without me. I love you so much. I'd do anything for your happiness. Anything at all. You are the brightest light in my life, and I don't know what else to do."

He reaches out blindly, seeks Jeff's hand and squeezes it.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything."

[cacophonish]

"But... I don't see what we have as tainted." He reaches for Bash's hand, and there's some comfort when he finds the other man doing the same.

This isn't broken, right? They're still...

"I love you. I don't want something without--" His voice cracks, and he has to stop and take a moment to breathe, and keep his emotions from spilling out.

"I don't understand," he sniffs. "Why?"

Why the fear, why the apology? Is he apologizing for Duplicity, or... for however this already painful conversation's going to go?

[midnightroads]

Bash doesn't have words right away, his hand curling into Jeff's, eyes closing.

"I love you, too. I love you and I love you and I love you."

He just...isn't sure that's enough. How can just that be enough?

[cacophonish]

Then why does it sound like he's giving up on what they have? Jeff rubs his eyes, and he tries to pull Bash into a hug, if he'll allow it, so he can press his face against the other man's shoulder and breathe him in, even if he smells stale from being holed up in here for days.

"I never loved anyone like I love you. We-- we love each other. So why isn't that enough? What changed?"

[midnightroads]

The scent of tobacco and coffee lingers under the funk. It's as much a part of him as his freckles.

"Someone said some things, made me realize I ain't done right by you. Or anyone, at all."

[cacophonish]

"Fuck them. Whatever they said, it's bullshit. You're the kindest person, and... and you make me want to be better, and-- I've never regretted even a second with you."

Jeff doesn't know who spoke to Bash or what they said, but there's anger twisting around in his gut now. Fierce, protective, and totally foreign to him.

[midnightroads]

Bash ducks his head, silent now. Trying to soak this in, trying to believe in his own kindness again. Struggling.

(Part of that is the fog of can't-think-straight from not eating, that really doesn't help. But not all of it.)

[cacophonish]

Jeff reaches up to stroke Bash's hair. "I love you, and I love you, and I love you," he says, repeating Bash's words as if they're a soft-spoken, but insistent spell for the two of them. "You have the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met. Don't listen to-- fucking-- whatever that fucking asshole said."

As if it's that easy, right?

[midnightroads]

"It was big enough at home, but I think it grew three sizes like the grinch, the day I met you."

What? He can't actually resist a little sappiness, especially with Jeff stroking his hair like that.