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[midnightroads]

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cw: non-con, depersonalization, we're really talking about the sex shit now

[midnightroads]

That's...a lot to take in, a lot to absorb, and it doesn't all sink down through the surface of Bash at the same rate. Some of the words that hit, that drop down to the pit of his stomach are 'five years on'. There's this quiet irrational belief he's held onto that someday soon, he and Jeff would just be better. That it wouldn't linger in them, this hell they've been through and carried with them out of Duplicity.

Five years on, and Giles is still coping. Jesus.

(Nevermind that Arcadian torture isn't a thing that's measured in months, like Duplicity absolutely was. That's not the point, the point is that Bash is making the mistake of holding someone else's healing process up to his own and if he could feel fear right now, he absolutely would worry about never getting better.)

"For us. It wasn't just rank and service, it was also sex. Being reduced to your body, being a fucktoy. Watching every public event eventually become a mass of writhing bodies and sweat and panting and...Jeff and I left the wedding early, you know. Because...like, that's not what this ship is about, but it's still a little bit what we're waiting for. On the island with the lizards, I got fucked by a guy, didn't even ask his name. Felt good to bottom, and not just bottom, but to let someone else really take charge for once, because I wasn't never supposed to ever do that in Dupe. Not saying I ever did, but if we'd been caught, it'd have been The Bad Shit, in terms of punishment. Realignment. I don't...there's a part of me that feels like talking about this at all to anyone is. Like. No one wants to hear. No one will ever want to hear, because it's so fucking...fucked."

[ring_for_giles]

Giles listens, and nods solemnly, he doesn't have the words to provide comfort here. He'd been witness to, but almost never a part of, the events of that nature that took place in Arcadia, and there is some part of him grateful for that small mercy, which seems not the right thing to share here. So the weight of his sympathy must be conveyed through his expression alone as Bash speaks, and for a good moment after as well.

"It can be hard to talk about experiences like these, you don't want to burden people with knowledge of the depths the universe can sink to, but talking is one of the surest ways to heal. If and when you feel up to it, I think it would be of benefit for you to talk to Oswald. I can't speak to his experiences, they're not mine to tell, but he'll understand what you've been through far better than I."

cw: discussion of non-con.

[midnightroads]

"Ossie knows...just a very little of it. There wasn't a right time to get into it. I'm still not sure there is." Bash had offered an ear in the aftermath of Ginger's deception, but hadn't detailed why he had personal familiarity with what it's like to have consent wrested away without warning.

"And you're damned right about not burdening people. The only people Jeff and I can talk to is one another, and we...usually don't. Not about that."

[ring_for_giles]

"The right time is the time you make. Oswald will want to help, or at least listen, whenever you feel ready.

You should talk to Jeff about it too, if you can. It would not surprise me if he's struggling to reckon with everything for similar reasons, and it's not a bad thing to lean on eachother for support."